


The Mountie Groom

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-15
Updated: 2001-10-15
Packaged: 2018-11-10 15:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: My take on The Princess Bride if done in the DS universe.





	The Mountie Groom

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

  
The Mountie Groom

## The Mountie Groom

by CoolGrin

Author's website: http://www.fortunecity.com/village/foster/143/

Disclaimer: The usual stuff I don't own the guys which is really too bad cuz they would have so much fun with me. So to the big bad corporations out there, I own nada, I'm still paying off my student loan.   


Author's Notes: I want to thank LINDA for helping me with my questions of ethics and the names of DS bad guys. She waded through my horrid spelling mistakes and weird thoughts with good grace. I also thank her for laughing at my really inane jokes. Any mistakes that are left over are Purely AOL's and not mine. ( I refuse to take blame. lol ) Chocolate Mounties and Cops to her. Lotsa Love.   
I also want to give a heads up to Diana Williams for starting me on this path.   


Story Notes: Spoilers? Ok, there is boxing, torture, revenge, gangs,monsters, car chases, escapes, true love, miracles.

* * *

The Mountie Groom 

In the opening scene, a young girl is sick in her bed, playing a video game [Her Dad enters] 

Dad: [to his sick little girl] Hi Honey. 

Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Pops. 

Dad: You feeling any better? 

Kid: A little bit. 

Dad: Guess what? 

Kid: What? 

Dad: Your Uncle is here. 

Kid: [pleading] Pop, can't you tell him I'm sick... 

Dad: You're sick really? That's why he's here. 

Kid: [distressed] He's gonna pinch my cheeks.... I hate that! 

Dad: Maybe he won't... 

[Enter the kid's uncle, also NARRATOR of The Mountie Groom] 

Uncle: [entering the room] Heyyyyy.... How's the sickie? Huh? [pinching the kid's cheek] 

Dad: I think I'll leave you two alone. 

Uncle: I brought you something special. 

Kid: [excitedly] What is it? 

Uncle: Open it up. 

Kid: [opening the gift] It's a book. 

Uncle: Yep, when I was your age, television was called books. This is no ordinary book, it was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you. 

Kid: [less interested] Any action in it? 

Uncle: You`re kidding right? Boxing, torture, revenge, gangs, monsters, car chases, escapes, true love, miracles. 

Kid: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake. 

Uncle: Oh, well, gee thanks. How gracious of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh...all right. 'The Mountie Groom' by S. Morganstern, Chapter 1. 

[From here on, the Uncle will be known as the Narrator] 

Narrator: Benton was raised... 

Kid: Benton? 

Narrator: Yes, Benton. 

Kid: What kind of name is Benton? 

Narrator: His first name, can I go on? 

Kid: Sure. 

Narrator: Benton was raised in a small province in the old country of Canada. His favorite past-times were riding his horse Diefenbaker, and tormenting the cop that worked in the province. His name was Raymond. But Benny never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning? 

Kid: [with no enthusiasm] Yeah...it's a'ight. 

Narrator: Nothing gave Benny as much pleasure as ordering Ray around. 

Benny: Cop, arrest that man. I want to see him in court by morning. 

Ray: As you wish. 

Benny: Fetch me Chinese food. No wait I want...Italian. 

Ray: As you wish. 

Narrator: 'As you wish' was all he ever said to Benny. 

Benny: Cop, take me to the movies? 

Ray: As you wish. 

Narrator: One day something odd happened. While in town with Ray, the people that used to pay him all the attention were following Ray. Staring at Ray. At first it didn't bother Benny until he was getting ready to go to bed. 

Benny: (Taking a bath) The people were staring at Ray. It must be the new clothes he wore. 

Benny: (brushing his hair) The people were staring at Ray. It had to be the haircut. 

Benny: (Brushing his teeth) The people were staring at Ray. It was his eyes; they're green and no one here has green eyes. 

Narrator: After Benny cleaned the toothpaste off the mirror he got into bed. And lay there. Benny: (sitting straight up in his bed) They were bloody staring at him. And Ray was looking back. Oh dear. 

Narrator: Benny tossed and turned. He got up and paced and wept. Jealousy clouded his very being. It was a very long night. The next morning Benny walked over to Ray's room. He knocked. 

Ray answered the door and Benny looked away. Ray was too perfect. 

Benny: I love you. I know you will find it difficult to believe because of the way that I treat you. But I do. Love you. I have loved you for several hours now, and every second that passes I love you even more. How many minutes has it been? My love has grown exponentially since then. Ray. I have never called you that have I? I love you. 

Narrator: And with that Benny looked into Ray's face, into those eyes, only to have the door closed in his face. Without a word Benny fled, stumbled, fell, wept and ran into his room. Tears streamed down his face. Ray didn't love him, he thought. And with that he wept long and hard. A day later a knock was heard on his door. Benny opened it. It was Ray. 

Ray: I'm leaving. I've come to say good-bye. 

Benny: Because I love you? 

Ray: Yes, I'm going to Las Vegas to seek my fortune. 

Benny: Well I don't love you. It was a joke, ha ha. And if you think those boys will follow you to Las Vegas well you're wrong, so there. 

Ray: I'm going to Las Vegas for you. Because I love you. 

Benny: You love me? 

Ray: All the times I've said 'As you wish,' what I meant was 'I love you.' 

Kid: [interrupting the story] Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book? 

Uncle: Wait, just wait. 

Kid: Well when does it get good? 

Uncle: Keep your shirt on and let me read. 

Narrator: Ray had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the province to seek his fortune in Las Vegas. It was a very emotional time for Benny. 

Kid: I don't believe this! 

Benny: [crying] I'm afraid I'll never see you again... 

Ray: Of course you will. 

Benny: But what if something happens to you? 

Ray: Listen to me, I will always come for you. 

Benny: But how can you be sure? 

Ray: This is it... `true love'. You think this happens every day? [They Kiss] 

Narrator: Ray didn't reach his destination. His plane was attacked by the Dread Godfather Bolt, who never left his captives alive. When Benny got the news that Ray had been killed... 

Kid: [interrupting] Murdered by the mafia is good! 

Narrator: [continuing] He went into his room and shut the door, and for days he neither slept nor ate. When he finally left his room... 

  * Interjecting here again. I wish to announce that Benny is a babe. A total hottie. Before his true love died he rated in the top five of all such lists. Now I want you to know that heartache has been known to do weird stuff and, well, when Benny finally left his room, he was easily the most beautiful man in Canada and some parts of the Yucatan. *** 



Benny: I will never love again. 

Narrator: And he never did. 

Scene 2  
Narrator: Five years later the main square of Ottawa was filled as never 

before to hear the announcement of the Great Princess Victoria's Mountie Groom-to-be. 

Victoria: [Trumpets blaring] My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a man whom was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find him common now. Would you like to meet him? 

Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!! 

Victoria: My people, the Mountie Prince Benny! 

***Yeah you know who I am. Just giving you the rundown. Benny was made into a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman in order to marry the Princess Victoria. I mean really, what princess in her right mind would marry a commoner, even one as beautiful as our Benny? 

Narrator: Benny's emptiness consumed him. Although the law of the land gave Victoria the right to choose her groom, he did not love her. Despite Victoria's reassurance that he would grow to love her, the only joy he found was in his daily ride. 

[The scene fades to Benny riding his horse the next morning] 

[Enter Ian MacDonald, Ex G-man Macon Lacroix, and Charlie, a boxer] 

Ian: [halting Benny] A word my man? ...We are but poor lost street performers. Is there a town nearby? 

Benny: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles. 

Ian: Then there will be no one to hear you scream... 

[The Boxer quickly grabs Benny by the neck, rendering him unconscious. 

They take the Benny to their car. 

Macon: What is that you're ripping? 

Ian: It's the fabric stolen from the uniform of a Peace officer from Chicago! 

Charlie: What is Chicago? 

Ian: The country across the lake! The sworn enemy of Canada! 

ian attaches the cloth to Benny's horse and lets the horse go. 

Ian: Go!!! Once the horse reaches the penthouse, the fabric will make the princess suspect that the Chicagoians have abducted her love. When she finds his body dead on the Chicago frontier her suspicions will be totally confirmed. 

Charlie: You never said anything about killing the Mountie?! 

Ian: [angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition! 

Charlie: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent. 

Ian: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think'? escape your lips?!! You were 

not hired for your brains you hippo-britanic land mass!! 

Macon: [interrupting] I agree with Charlie. 

Ian: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to him is not truly your concern. I will kill him! And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy cider!!! [Turning to Charlie] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, and childless!! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Singing karaoke in New Brunswick?! 

Scene 3 

[It is night-time, the kidnappers and the Mountie are on the road.] 

Ian: We'll reach Chicago by dawn. Why are you doing that? 

[directed at Macon who is staring behind] 

Macon: Making sure nobody is following us. 

Ian: That would be inconceivable. 

Benny: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the princess will see you all hanged. 

Ian: Of all the necks in this car, Mountie, the one you should be worrying about is your own....[pausing, then glancing at Macon] Stop doing that! We can all relax! It's almost over. 

Macon: Are you sure nobody is following us? 

Ian: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Chicago knows what we've done, and no one in Canada could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask? 

Macon: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there. 

Ian: [in disbelief] What?! [now, spying a car in the distance] ...Probably some local out for a pleasure ride at night through gang infested suburbs. 

Benny jumps out of the car and runs down a dark alley. 

Ian: What the hell?! Go after him!! Go after him!!! 

Macon: [frankly] I'm afraid of the dark. 

Charlie: [turning to Ian] I can only jog... 

Ian: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!"!!! 

[suddenly, horrible screeching is heard, commonly known, to people over a certain age, as music] 

Ian: {screaming into the night} Do you know what that sound is, Mountie? Those are the Shrieking Eels, a local gang! The music can mean death to anyone past the age of eighteen. If you don't believe me, just wait. As the music grows louder your ears will start to bleed, then your head will start to pound in pain, then when think that the pain can't get any worse it does. If you turn back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the Eels. Uncle: [Narrator] He doesn't get caught by the Eels at this time. 

Kid: What? 

Uncle: The Eels don't get him...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous. 

Kid: I...I wasn't nervous. Well maybe I was a little bit... concerned but that's not the same thing. 

Uncle: ...Because we can stop now if you want. Kid: No, you could read a little bit more if you want. 

Narrator: [reading Ian's part] Do you know what that sound is, Mountie? Those are the Shrieking Eels, a local gang! 

Kid: Pass that, Unc. You read it already. 

Uncle: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. [now mumbling to himself] alright, alright, lets see...uh...he was in the alley, the Eels were going after him, he was scared, the Eels started to turn up their music and then... 

[Charlie reaches out of the car, pulls Benny inside] 

The car races away. 

Macon: [looking back at the other car again] I think he's getting closer! 

Ian: He's no concern of ours! Keep driving! [now, turning to Benny] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you? 

Benny: Only compared to some. 

Scene 4 

[Dawn, the next morning] 

Macon: Look! He is right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same gasoline as us. 

Ian: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! The Cliff Insanity Building in lower downtown Chicago!!! Hurry up! Move...the thing...and that other thing! Move it!!! [climbing out] We're safe, only Charlie is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to drive around for hours 'till he finds a parking space. 

[Charlie, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the building.] 

  * Did I fail to mention that this is a fairy tale and sometimes things just don't make sense. Like why didn't they use the elevator, at best the stairs? I can only venture to guess they are not too bright. **** 



Macon: [looking down in total amazement at the masked follower] He's climbing the rope... he's dressed in Armani...And he's gaining on us. 

Ian: Inconceivable! ....Faster!! 

Charlie: I thought I was going faster. 

Ian: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains! 

Charlie: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself. And why didn't we take the elevator? Ian: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new boxer, that's all. 

Charlie: Don't say that, Ian, please? 

Ian: Did I make it clear that your job is on the line? 

[Finally, Charlie reaches the top. Ian quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger.] 

[All three peer over the edge of the building.] 

Charlie: He's got very good arms. 

Ian: He didn't fall! Inconceivable! 

Macon: [looking confused] You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means...[looking back down] my god...he's climbing. 

Ian: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Mountie and must therefore die. You [to Charlie] take care of him. We'll [to Macon] head straight for the Chicago suburbs. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, shoot him. 

Macon: I'm going to shoot him left-handed. 

Ian: You know what a hurry we're in! 

Macon: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly. 

Ian: Oh have it your way. 

Charlie: [to Macon] You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted. 

Ian: [impatiently] I'm waiting...! 

[Macon unholsters his gun, and takes a few practice shots. He then calls to the Masked Man in Armani] 

Macon: Hello there. Slow going? 

Man in Armani: No not really. I like climbing up a the side of a building with nothing but my bare hands so I'm taking my sweet time to enjoy the experience. 

Macon: [apologetic] Sorry. 

Man in Armani: No problem. 

Macon: [pauses] I do not suppose you could speed things up? 

Man in Armani: If you're in such snit for me to get up there you could lower a rope or find something useful to do. 

Macon: I could do that. I still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. 

Man in Armani: Well, that ends that relationship. 

Macon: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. 

Man in Armani: Well that fills me with warm fuzzies, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. 

Macon: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as an ex G- man? 

Man in Armani: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known too many ex G-men. 

Macon: Is there another way you'll trust me? 

Man in Armani: Nope, nada. Nothing comes to mind. 

Macon: I swear on the soul of my Father, Jacques Lacroix, you will reach the top alive. 

Man in Armani: Throw me the rope. 

[Macon throws the rope to the Man in Armani, and helps him to the top] 

Man in Armani: [exhausted] Thanks. [He struggles to draw his gun] 

Macon: I'll wait 'till you're ready. 

Man in Armani: Again, thank you. [He sits and removes a stone from his shoe] 

Macon: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? 

Man in Armani: What kinda lame ass question is that? [still revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way? 

Macon: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great gun maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special gun, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done. 

[Macon unholsters his gun, and shows it to the Man in Armani] 

Man in Armani: Nice. 

Macon: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man shot him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man to a duel. I failed...Six-fingered man left me alive, but he gave me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar]. 

Man in Armani: How old were you? 

Macon: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of marksmanship; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the six fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Macon Lacroix. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' 

Man in Armani: [intrigued] You've done nothing but gun-play?, geez you got some dedication there. 

Macon: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Ian to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge. 

[After a moment's silence, the Man in Armani stands up and prepares to battle] 

Man in Armani: Well after all that studying....I certainly hope you find the bastard. 

Macon: You all ready then? 

Man in Armani: Nah, you've been more than fair and all. 

Macon: [drawing his gun] You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you. 

Man in Armani: You seem alright...I hate to die. 

Macon: [confidently] Begin. 

[Slowly, a great Shoot-out occurs. Each man has found cover and begins to shoot. Macon tests the Man in Armani, and the Man in Armani tests Macon. They continue to fire at each other but this being guns the battle does not last long.] Macon: You are wonderful! 

Man in Armani: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so. 

Macon: I admit it, you are better than I am. 

Man in Armani: Then why are you smiling? 

Macon: Because I know something you don't know. 

Man in Armani: And what is that? 

Macon: [switching hands] I am not left-handed! 

[Macon switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in Armani] Man in Armani: You're amazing! 

Macon: I ought to be after twenty years. 

Man in Armani: [struggling to keep Macon away] There's something I ought to tell you. 

Macon: Tell me! 

Man in Armani: I'm not left-handed either. 

[The Man in Armani switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats] 

[They stop shooting for a brief moment] 

Macon: [in awe] Who are you? 

Man in Armani: No one of importance. 

Macon: I must know. 

Man in Armani: Tough. 

Macon: [disappointed] Okay... 

[The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in Armani is dominating] 

[The Man in Armani shoots the gun out of Macon's hand and circles in behind him] 

Macon: [kneeling] Kill me quickly. 

Man in Armani: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either... 

[The Man in Armani hits Macon on the back of his head with the hilt of his gun, knocking him out.] 

Man in Armani: [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. 

[The Man in Armani runs off to find Ian. Ian spies the Man in Armani from atop another building.] 

Ian: Inconceivable!! Give him to me! [taking Benny preparing to run] Catch up with us quickly! Charlie: What do I do? 

Ian: Finish him! Finish him...your way... 

Charlie: Oh good. My way. Thank you Ian. Which way's my way? 

Ian: [irritated] Pick up one of those bricks, get behind a building, and in a few minutes the Man in Armani will come running around the bend. The minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the brick! 

Charlie: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like. 

[The Man in Armani proceeds up the alley, and is met by a brick crashing against a wall right next to him.] 

Charlie: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss. 

Man in Armani: I believe you. [pauses] So what happens now? 

Charlie: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. 

Man in Armani: You mean, you'll put down your brick and I'll put down my gun and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? 

Charlie: [holding up a large brick] I could kill you now? 

Man in Armani: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. 

Charlie: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. 

[The Man in Armani charges Charlie, but cannot knock him down] 

Man in Armani: [agitated] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? 

Charlie: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Charlie grasps at him, but misses] You're quick! 

Man in Armani: Good thing too. 

Charlie: [swinging at the Man in Armani] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that? 

Man in Armani: Oh no, it's just they're terribly stylish. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future. 

[The Man in Armani manages to jump onto Charlie's back, and tries to choke him. Charlie pushes his back against a wall, almost knocking the wind out of the Man in Armani] 

Charlie: I just feared you would give me so much trouble. 

Man in Armani: Why is that, do you think? 

Charlie: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...[struggles more with the Man in Armani] ...I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities...that kind of thing. 

Man in Armani: Why should that make such a [crash! pause] difference? 

Charlie: [slowing down] You see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people, than when you only have to worry about one. 

[Charlie falls to the ground, unconscious. The Man in Armani checks to see if he is still alive.] 

Man in Armani: I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of Pamela Anderson. 

Scene 5 

[Enter Princess Victoria, Count Zuko, and their guards, examining the battleground of Macon and the Man in Armani] 

Victoria: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters. 

Count Zuko: Who won? How did it end? 

Victoria: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward that building top... 

Count Zuko: Shall we track them both? 

Victoria: The loser is nothing. Only the Mountie matters. Clearly this was all planned by cops of Chicago! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead. 

Count Zuko: Could this be a trap? 

Victoria: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still alive. 

[Victoria and her men scurry off, while the Man in Armani finds and confronts Ian who is preparing to eat while Benny sits beside him.] 

Ian: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish him dead, by all means keep moving forward. 

Man in Armani: Let me explain... 

Ian: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen. 

Man in Armani: Perhaps we can work something out? 

Ian: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing him. 

Man in Armani: Well if you're not willing to work something out, we're stuck. 

Ian: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains. 

Man in Armani: Oh you're that smart? 

Ian: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? 

Man in Armani: Yes. 

Ian: Idiots! 

Man in Armani: Really smarty? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits. Ian: For the Mountie? To the death? I accept! 

Man in Armani: Good, then pour the wine. [Ian pours the wine] Inhale this but do not touch. 

Ian: [taking a vial from the Man in Armani] I smell nothing. 

Man in Armani: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. 

Ian: [shrugs with laughter] Hmmm. 

Man in Armani: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets] Alright, where is the poison? The battle has begun, it'll end when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead. 

Ian: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. 

Man in Armani: You've made your decision then? 

Ian: [happily] Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. 

Man in Armani: Oh your soooo smart. 

Ian: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I? 

Man in Armani: Australia. 

Ian: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man in Armani: You're stalling. 

Ian: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten Charlie, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Macon, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me! 

Man in Armani: You're trying to trick me. It won't work. 

Ian: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is! 

Man in Armani: Then choose already. 

Ian: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind the Man in Armani] What in the world can that be? 

Man in Armani: [turning around, while Ian switches goblets] What?! Where?! I don't see anything. 

Ian: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Ian laughs] 

Man in Armani: What's so funny? 

Ian: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink, me from my glass and you from yours. 

[They both drink] 

Man in Armani: You guessed wrong. 

Ian: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line! 

[Ian continues to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, the Man in Armani pulls out his gun and shoots him. Trust me it was for the best. Ian was just too annoying. 

Benny: Who are you? 

Man in Armani: I'm no one to be messed with. That's all you'll need know. 

Benny: And to think, all that time none of the cups were poisoned . 

Man in Armani: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up immunity to Iocaine powder. 

[The scene switches back to Victoria and her men] 

Victoria: Some one has beaten a boxer. There will be great suffering in Chicago if the Mountie dies. 

[The scene jumps back to the Man in Armani, running with the Mountie] Man in Armani: [stops] Catch your breath. 

Benny: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you. 

Man in Armani: [laughing] And what's that worth... the promise of a Mountie...You're very funny. 

Benny: [catching his breath] I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Princess Victoria. She can track a felon on a cloudy day. She can find you. 

Man in Armani: You think your love will save you? 

Benny: [insulted] I never said she was my love. And yes, she will save me - that I know. 

Man in Armani: [surprised] You admit that you do not love your fiancee?. Benny: She knows I do not love her. 

Man in Armani: [snapping] ...Not capable of love. 

Benny: [taken back] I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream! 

Man in Armani: [raising his hand at Benny] That was a warning, Mountie! The next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are penalties when someone lies. 

[The scene cuts back to Victoria, examining the last battle scene] 

Victoria: Iocaine! I'd bet my life on it. And there are the Mountie's footprints. He is alive, or was an hour ago...if he is otherwise, I shall be very put out! 

[Back to the Man in Armani, still running] 

Man in Armani: Rest, Mountie. 

Benny: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Godfather Bolt, admit it! 

Man in Armani: With pride. What can I do for you for ? 

Benny: You can die ...slowly, cut into a million pieces. 

Man in Armani: [shaking his head] Well that's not nice...Why such nastiness against me.? 

Benny: [upset] You killed my beloved. 

Man in Armani: Could be, I've killed lotsa of people. Who was this love of yours? Another princess like this one...mean, rich, and skanky? 

Benny: No, a cop...poor! Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. Your people attacked his bus, and the The Godfather Bolt never takes prisoners! Man in Armani: Can't afford to make any exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that the head of the Mafia has gone soft people begin to disobey him and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. 

Benny: You mock my pain! 

Man in Armani: Life is pain, Mountie! Anyone who says different is selling something. [pausing for a bit] I remember this cop of yours I think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear? Benny: Nothing you can say will upset me. 

Man in Armani: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the `please' that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a boy of surpassing beauty and faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are. Benny: And what am I? 

Man in Armani: Faithfulness he talked of, of your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your princess that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?! 

Benny: You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day! [The Man in Armani and Benny hear Victoria's cars in the distance] Benny: [pushing him down the staircase] You can die too, for all I care!! 

Man in Armani: [tumbling down and echoing] As.......you.....wish....... Benny: [shocked] Oh, my sweet Ray, what have I done? 

[Benny hurls himself down the stairs, in chase of Ray.] 

[Victoria moves closer] 

Victoria: They disappeared. They must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed straight into the West Racine. [Ray and Benny finally cease falling. Ray moves over to help Benny] 

**** _Intercept here. Hi. Yes they didn't die or suffer terrible injuries. Have I mentioned this is fairy tale and well, you know..._ **** 

Ray: Can you move at all? 

Benny: [joyous] Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly. 

Ray: [holding Benny] I toldya I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait? 

Benny: [sincerely] You were dead. 

Ray: But babe, death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it. 

Benny: I'll never doubt again. 

Ray: There'll never be a need. 

[Benny and Ray kiss] 

Kid: [interrupting the story] Ack! No! No. Please stop! 

Uncle: What? What's the problem? 

Kid: [disgusted] They're kissing. Again. Do we have to hear the kissing part? 

Uncle: Someday you might not mind so much. 

Kid: Yeah Yeah. Get on to the Racine, that sounded good! 

Uncle: Oh...you're sick, I'll humor you. Oh, okay....[finds the right page] 

Narrator: Ray and Benny raced through a door in the Racine. 

Ray: Aha! Your pig fiancee is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in this abandoned warehouse. 

Benny: [worried] We'll never survive. 

Ray: [confident] Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has.  
[They proceed into the dreary, damp building. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds and smells of many creatures permeate the air.] 

Ray: It's not that bad...[receives a glance from Benny] Well I'm not saying I'd like to live here but the space is actually quite styling! It's also very spacious. 

[They continue through an eerie maze of stairs. Suddenly, a popping sound is heard. A flame shoots up from the floor, catching Benny's uniform on fire. He yelps.] 

Ray: [calmly, stops the flame] Well, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you? 

Benny: [nervously shaking his head no] You? 

[Ray simply shakes his head no, not losing an ounce of confidence. They continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. Ray calmly pulls Benny out of harms way as a flame rises from the floor.] 

Ray: Well, one thing I will say; Racine certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. [Ray cuts through a mass of wires. Bolt's helicopter `Revenge` is parked at the far end. And as you know I am Bolt. 

Benny: But how's that possible, since he's been marauding 20 years and you only left me 5 years ago? 

Ray: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying 'please' was true...it intrigued Bolt, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Bolt decided something. He said, 'Alright Ray, never had a butler, you can try if you'd like. I'm most likely to kill you in the morning.' For three years said that. 'Good night Ray, good work, sleep well, I'm most likely to kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence goods, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Bolt and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. 

Benny: What? Go on. 

Ray: Well Bolt had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Godfather Bolt,' he said 'my name is Kelly. I inherited this helicopter from the previous Dread Godfather Bolt, just as you will inherit it from me.' 

Ray: [continuing] The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Godfather Bolt either - his name was Pinsent. The real Bolt had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Italy. Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Godfather Ray. So we flew to New York , took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as co-pilot , all the time calling me Bolt. Once the crew believed, he left the helicopter and I have been Bolt ever since. Except now that were together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you? 

[Suddenly, Benny steps into a hole and vanishes. Ray, thinking quickly, cuts a wire and ties it around himself then plunges down in search of Benny. Moments later, they land, gasping for breath and coughing.] 

Benny: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here. 

Ray: No, no. [still gasping] We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the crack house? One, the flame spurt - no problem \- there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the holes which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too. 

Benny: Ray, what about the R.O.U.S.'s? 

Ray: Rats Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. 

[Just as Ray finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him. The rodent bites] 

[Ray on the shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward] Benny.] 

Benny: [yells] Ray!! 

[Ray jumps on the beast and Benny fends it away with a large two-by-four. After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Ray gives chase and shoots it a few times, killing it. 

Scene 6 

[Ray and Benny finally exit the warehouse dirty, tired and worn.] 

Benny: [triumphantly] We did it! 

Ray: Now, was that so bad? 

[Out of nowhere, the roar of cars. Princess Victoria has found them.] 

Victoria: Surrender! 

Ray: You wanna surrender to me? Fine then, I accept. 

Victoria: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool. 

Ray: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Racine. 

We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, come visit. 

[Victoria's men surround Ray and Benny with machine guns.] 

Victoria: I tell you once again, surrender! 

Ray: It will not happen! [Ray draws his gun] 

Victoria: [shouting] For the last time, surrender! 

Ray: Death first! 

Benny: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him? 

Victoria: What was that? 

Ray: Huh? 

Benny: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man? 

Victoria: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again! 

Benny: He is a pilot and has a helicopter over there. Promise to return him to his 'copter. 

Victoria: I swear it will be done. [Victoria whispers to Count Zuko] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Canada and throw him in the Pit of Despair. 

Count Zuko: No prob... 

Benny: [to Ray] I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you. 

[Benny gets into one of the cars and is taken away. Victoria leaves with him.] 

Count Zuko: [to Ray] Come sir, we must get you to your 'copter. 

Ray: Zuko I know you. Don't lie to me. 

Count Zuko: Well spoken sir. [He motions for the guards to escort him away. Ray notices the Count has six fingers.] What is it? 

Ray: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you... 

[Count Zuko quickly knocks Ray out with the butt of his gun.] 

Scene 7 

[The Pit of Despair] 

[Enter Carver. Carver examines Ray, who is tied down, and cleanses his wounds.] 

Ray: Where am I? 

Carver: [in a raspy voice] The Pit of Despair....don't even think...[cough, gag] [Then Carver loses his raspy voice.] Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Princess, the Count and I know how to get in and out. 

Ray: Then I'm here 'till I die? 

Carver: 'Till they kill you, yeah. 

Ray: Then why bother curing me? 

Carver: Well, the Princess and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken. 

Ray: So it's torture. [Carver gestures happily] I can cope with torture. [Carver vigorously shakes his head no.] You don't believe me? 

Carver: You survived Racine, you must be very brave. But nobody lives through the machine. 

Scene 8 

[The penthouse] 

[Benny roams the penthouse, saddened. Princess Victoria and Count Zuko are planning, and notice Benny.] 

Victoria: He's been like that ever since Racine. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting him. 

Count Zuko: Of course. 

Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Benny and Victoria were married. And at noon she he met her subjects again, this time as their Queen . 

Victoria: [to anticipating crowd] My father's final words were... [interruption] 

Kid: Hold it! Hold it! Unc, you read that wrong. He doesn't marry Victoria, he marries Ray. I'm just sure of it...after all that Ray did for him, if he didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair. Uncle: Who says life is fair? Now where is that written? Life isn't always fair. 

Kid: [angry] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right! Uncle: Do you want me to go on with this? 

Kid: [apologetic] Yes. 

Uncle: Alright then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen. 

[Back to the story] 

Victoria: My father's final words were, 'Love him, as I loved him and there will be joy. ' I present to you, your King. King Prince Benny. 

[Benny comes out before the crowd. He is met by a hideous woman] 

Woman: [in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo! 

Benny: [upset] Why do you do this? 

Woman: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! 

Benny: But they would have killed Ray if I hadn't done it. 

Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! [addressing the crowd] True love saved him in Racine, and he treated it like garbage. And that's what he is, the King of Refuse. So bow down to him if you want. Bow to him. Bow to the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! 

[Benny wakes up] 

Narrator: It was ten days 'till the wedding. The king still lived, but Benny's nightmares were becoming steadily worse. 

Kid: See? Didn't I tell you he'd never marry that bitch Victoria. 

Uncle: Yes, you're very smart. Don't say bitch. Now shut up. 

[Benny confronts Victoria in her quarters] 

Benny: It comes to this: I love Ray, I always have - I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry thee in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning. 

Victoria: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. [turns to the Count] You um...returned this Ray to his helicopter? 

Count Zuko: [in a sly voice] Yes. 

Victoria: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, [to Benny] are you certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving at Racine. Not to mention that, uh, made men are not known as men of their words. 

Benny: My Ray will always come for me. 

Victoria: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest planes, one in each direction. The Dread Godfather Bolt is always close to Canada this time of year. We'll signal a white flag and deliver your message. If Ray wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed? 

Scene 9 

[The Tree Grove] 

[Count Zuko and Victoria are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair.] 

Count Zuko: Your prince is quite a gorgeous creature. A bit simple, perhaps. His appeal is undeniable. 

Victoria: I know, the people are quite taken with him It's odd, but when I hired Ian to have him murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I have him strangled on our wedding night. Once Chicago is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war. 

Count Zuko: [snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find..[he finds it and the tree opens to reveal a hidden passage] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Ray's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight. 

Victoria: [sincerely] Frank, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my husband to murder and Chicago to frame for it; I'm swamped. 

Count Zuko: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles evilly] 

[Count Zuko enters the pit, and Victoria leaves the tree grove.] 

Count Zuko: [admiring his torture contraption to which Ray is firmly strapped] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. 

[Count Zuko activates the water powered torture machine. Ray writhes in great pain.] 

Count Zuko: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel? 

[Ray cries and moans in pain] 

Count Zuko: Excellent. 

Scene 10 

[Victoria again is in her quarters] 

[Geiger, Victoria's man-at-arms, enters the room] 

Victoria: Geiger. 

Geiger: Your Highness 

Victoria: As chief enforcer of all Canada, I trust you with this secret: Killers from Chicago are infiltrating the Thieves' Building and plan to murder King Prince Benny on our wedding night. 

Geiger: [surprised] My spy network has heard no such news. 

[Benny quietly enters] 

Benny: Any word from Ray? 

Victoria: [startled] Too soon, my angel. Patience. 

Benny: He will come for me. [Benny leaves] 

Victoria: Of course. [turns to Geiger] He will not be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' building emptied and every inhabitant arrested! 

Geiger: [distraught] Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. 

Victoria: [angered] Form a brute squad then! I want the Thieves' Building emptied before I wed. 

Geiger: It won't be easy, Highness . 

Victoria: [sarcastically] Try being 'me' sometime. 

Scene 11 

Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Victoria`s orders. 

[The Thieves' Building. Geiger and his men are clearing out the building.] Geiger: Is everybody out? 

Brute: Almost. There's an ex G-man giving us some trouble. 

Geiger: Well, you give him some...trouble. Move! 

[Macon is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Macon is drunk.] 

Macon: [loud] I am waiting for you Ian! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved. 

Brute: [angry] Ho there! 

Macon: [stumbling] I do not budge. Keep your ho there. 

Brute: But the prince gave orders! 

[Macon jumps up and pulls his gun.. The guard is taken back.] 

Macon: I know you Ian...when the job went wrong you went back to the beginning...And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying 'till Ian comes. 

Brute: [calls out behind Macon] You! Brute, come here! 

Macon: [mumbling to himself] I...am...waiting...for...Ian. [Just then, a hand grabs him from behind] 

Charlie: You surely are a meany. 

[Macon looks up, and sees that it's Charlie] 

Charlie: Hello. 

Macon: It's you! 

[The brute jumps in to see what's going on, but Charlie knocks him out with one punch] 

Charlie: You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either. Macon: Perhaps no. I feel fine... [Charlie lets go of Macon, who falls on his face] 

Narrator: Charlie and Macon were reunited, and as Charlie nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Macon of Ian's death and the existence of Count Zuko, the six-fingered man. Considering Macon's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Macon falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Charlie took great care in reviving Macon. [by repeatedly soaking his head in and out of hot and cold barrels of water] 

Macon: [more sober] That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Zuko now, so I might kill him? 

Charlie: He's with the prince in the penthouse. But the penthouse entrance is guarded by thirty men. 

Macon: How many could you handle? 

Charlie: I don't think more than ten. 

Macon: [counting on his fingers] ...Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Ian to plan. I have no gift for strategy. 

Charlie: But Ian is dead. 

Macon: [inspired] No...not Ian. I need the Man in Armani. 

Charlie: What? 

Macon: Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Ian, and a man who can do that can plan my penthouse onslaught any day! Let's go! 

Charlie: Where? 

Macon: ...Find the Man in Armani obviously. 

Charlie: But you don't know where he is? 

Macon: Don't bother me with trifles, after twenty years at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight! 

Scene 12 

[The scene moves back to Victoria, sharpening a dagger in her chambers.] [Geiger arrives.] 

Victoria: Rise and report! 

Geiger: The Thieves' Building is emptied. Thirty men guard the penthouse door. Victoria: Double it! My King Prince must be safe. 

Geiger: The door has but one key, and I carry that. 

[Benny arrives] 

Victoria: Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry. [turns to Geiger] Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Canada Channel, where every plane in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon. 

Benny: [disturbed] Every plane but your four fastest, you mean. 

[Victoria looks confused]. Every plane but the four you sent. 

Victoria: [recovering badly] Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four. 

Geiger: [feeling tension, he exits] Your majesty. 

Benny: You never sent the planes. 

Doesn't matter, Ray will come for me anyway. 

Victoria: You're a silly boy. 

Benny: Yes I am a silly boy, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a bitch with a heart full of fear. 

Victoria: [outraged] I would not say such things if I were you. 

Benny: Why not? You can't hurt me. Ray and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth. 

Victoria: [furious] I would not say such things if I were you!!! [She forcefully escorts Benny to his chamber] 

[Victoria exits the penthouse and enters the Pit of Despair] 

Victoria: [To Ray] You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. [Victoria sets the machine to the maximum of 50.] 

Count Zuko: [screaming] Not to fifty!! 

[Ray screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. Macon and Charlie hear the echoing noise from afar] 

Macon: Charlie! Charlie! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Zuko slaughtered my father. The Man in Armani makes it now. 

Charlie: The Man in Armani? 

Macon: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? [Macon and Charlie push their way through a mass of people] Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. [They struggle to move even a few feet] Charlie, please? 

Charlie: [in a bellowing voice] EVERYBODY, MOVE"!!! 

Macon: Thank You. [The whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect path for the two.] 

[Macon and Charlie trace the screams to the tree grove where they find Carver working a cart] 

Macon: [to Carver] Where is the Man in Armani? You get that from this grove, yes? [No response] Charlie, jog his memory. 

[Charlie hits the Carver on the top of his head, who falls over from the blow] 

Charlie: I'm sorry Macon. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Macon? 

[Macon, not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding his gun high. He speaks:] 

Macon: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I can not find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide me, please. Guide me. 

[Macon stands, eyes closed, and walks into a nearby tree. Macon thinks he has failed. He leans against the tree, and the secret entrance is revealed. Charlie and Macon enter the Pit of Despair, where they find Ray.] 

Charlie: [putting his ear to Ray's chest] He's dead. 

Macon: This sucks. 

Kid: [jumping in, upset] Unc! Unc! Wait, wait. What did Charlie mean, 'He's Dead.? I mean, he didn't mean 'dead?? Ray is only faking, right? 

Uncle: Do you want me to read this or not? 

Kid: Who gets Victoria! 

Uncle: I don't understand? 

Kid: [annoyed] Who kills Princess Victoria? At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Macon? Who?! 

Uncle: Nobody. Nobody kills her. She lives. 

Kid: You mean she wins? Jesus, Unc! What did you read me this thing for? 

Uncle: You know, you...you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now. 

Kid: No. I...I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright. 

Uncle: Okay. Alright, now lets see...where were we? Oh, yes, in the Pit of Despair. 

Macon: The Lacroix's have never taken defeat easily. Come Charlie, bring the body. 

Charlie: The body? 

Macon: Have you any money? 

Charlie: I have a little. 

Macon: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all. 

Scene 13 

[Macon and Charlie arrive with Ray's body in front of a small wooden house.] [Macon knocks on the door] 

Voice: [from inside, irritated] Go away... 

[Macon knocks harder until a very tall blonde man answers. He looks through a hole cut in the door] 

Turnbull: [tall man] What?! What?! 

Macon: Are you the Miracle Turnbull who worked for the king all those years? 

Turnbull: The king's stinking daughter fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! [Turnbull closes a flap over the door hole, but Macon still knocks] Beat it or I'll call the brute squad! 

Charlie: I'm on the brute squad. 

Turnbull: You are the brute squad! 

Macon: We need a miracle. It's very important. 

Turnbull: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king`s stinking daughter fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle. 

Macon: He's already dead. 

Max: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. [They enter. Turnbull examines Ray.] I've seen worse. 

Macon: Sir...Sir. 

Turnbull: Huh? 

Macon: We're in a hurry. 

Turnbull: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money? 

Macon: Sixty-five. 

Turnbull: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause. 

Macon: This is noble sir. His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation... 

Turnbull: Are you a rotten liar. 

Macon: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered this twenty years. 

Turnbull: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him. 

Macon: He's dead. He can't talk. 

Turnbull: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [He inserts the bellows] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do. 

Macon: What's that? 

Turnbull: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [Turnbull pumps air into Ray and yells at him] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? [Turnbull pushes on Ray's chest] 

Ray: [barely audible] True....love.... 

Macon: [excited] True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that. 

Turnbull: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice CBLT - Canadian Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Canadian Bacon is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated... 

Woman: [interrupting] Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr! 

Turnbull: Get back, dragon! 

Woman: I'm not a dragon, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore. 

Margaret: [Turnbull's wife] True love, who said true love, Turnbull? 

Turnbull: Don't say another word, Margaret...[Macon looks on in disbelief] 

Margaret: You're afraid. Ever since Princess Victoria fired him, his confidence has shattered. 

Turnbull: [yelling] Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name! 

Margaret: What, Victoria?! 

Turnbull: [cringes] Ahh!! 

Margaret: Victoria! 

Turnbull: Ahh!! 

[Margaret is chasing Turnbull around the room yelling. Turnbull is covering his ears] 

Margaret: Victoria! 

Turnbull: Ahh!! 

Margaret: Victoria! 

Turnbull: Ahh!! 

Margaret: [now in a sing-songy voice] Victoria.... Victoria! 

Victoria! Victoria! Victoria! 

Turnbull: I'm not listening! 

Margaret: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help! 

Turnbull: Nobody's hearing nothing! 

Margaret: Victoria! [She continues to yell 'Victoria'] 

Macon: [interrupting] This is Benny's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Victoria's wedding! 

Turnbull: [to Margaret] Shut up! 

Macon: Thank you. Thank you. 

Turnbull: Wait, wait. I make him better, Victoria suffers? 

Macon: Humiliations galore! 

Turnbull: Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job! 

[Turnbull, with help from Margaret concocts a pill for Ray.] 

Macon: That's a miracle pill? 

Margaret: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least... 

Turnbull: [jumping in] An hour! 

Margaret: An hour. 

Turnbull: ...A good hour.....Here. [gives Macon the pill] 

Macon: [leaving] Thank you for everything. 

Turnbull: Okay! [Macon and Charlie leave] 

Margaret: Bye bye, boys! 

Turnbull: Have fun storming the penthouse! 

Margaret: [to Turnbull] Think it will work? 

Turnbull: It would take a miracle. 

Turnbull and Margaret: [waving] B-bye! 

Scene 14 

[It's dusk. Macon and Charlie are on a wall just outside the penthouse, looking down at the main door.] 

Charlie: Macon, there's more than thirty! 

Macon: [propping up Ray] What's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. We have to force-feed him. 

Charlie: Has it been fifteen minutes? 

Macon: We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. 

[Macon puts the pill into Ray's mouth] 

Charlie: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works? Macon: Your guess is as good as mine. 

Ray: [disoriented] I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together! Charlie: I guess not very long. 

Ray: Why won't my arms move? 

Charlie: You've been mostly dead all day. 

Macon: We had Miracle Turnbull make a pill to bring you back. 

Ray: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Benny? 

Macon: Let me explain....no, there is too much. Let me sum up; Benny is marrying Victoria in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the prince, make our escape - after I kill Count Zuko. 

Ray: That doesn't leave much for dilly-dally. 

Charlie: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful! 

Ray: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities? 

Macon: There is only one the penthouse door , and it is guarded by sixty men. Ray: And our assets? 

Macon: Your brains, Charlie's strength, my steel. 

Ray: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... 

Charlie: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy? 

Ray: My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?? I mean if we only had a cart, that would be something. 

Macon: Where did we put that cart Carver had? 

Charlie: Over Carver , I think? 

Ray: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?! [sigh] What I wouldn't give for a black cloak... 

Macon: There we cannot help you. 

Charlie: [pulls a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this do? Macon: Where did you get that? 

Charlie: At Miracle Turnbull's, 

Ray: Come help me up. [They help him up] Now I'll need a gun eventually. 

Macon: Why? You can't even lift one. 

Ray: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. [Macon gives him a gun]. Now, there may be problems once we're inside. 

Macon: I'll say. How do I find the Count?. Once I do, how do I find you again?. Once I find you again, how do I escape? 

Charlie: Don't pester him, he's had a hard day. 

Macon: Right, right....sorry. 

Charlie: Macon? 

Macon: What? 

Charlie: I hope we win. 

[Inside the penthouse] 

Victoria: You don't seem excited my little muffin. 

Benny: Should I be? 

Victoria: Grooms often are, I'm told. 

Benny: I will not marry tonight. My Ray will save me. [Benny leaves] 

Scene 15 

[In the chapel: Music blares. Victoria and Benny stand before a clergyman. The clergyman [Frobisher] has a speech impediment.] 

Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam... 

[From outside, the voice of Geiger is heard] 

Geiger: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground! [Charlie is dressed in the black cloak, and being pushed from behind in a wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and fearsome!] 

Charlie: I am the Dread Godfather Bolt! There will be no survivors! 

Macon: Now? 

Ray: Not yet. 

Charlie: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here! 

Macon: [barely holding up Charlie] Now?! 

Ray: Light him! [They light Charlie's robe with a torch] 

Charlie: The Dread Godfather Bolt takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true! 

[Most of the door guards scatter in all directions] 

Clergyman: Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever... 

[Outside] 

Charlie: The Dread Godfather Bolt is here for your soul! [Geiger yells for the guards to fight. The rest run.] 

Clergyman: So tweasure youw... 

Victoria: [interrupting] Skip to the end! 

Clergyman: Have you the wing? 

Benny: Here comes my Ray now. 

[Charlie has removed the robe and all the guards except Geiger have fled.] 

Ray: Charlie, the door! [Charlie opens the door .] 

Victoria: Your Ray is dead. I killed him myself. 

Benny: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?. 

Ray: [to Geiger] Give us the door key. 

Geiger: I have no door key. 

Macon: Charlie, tear his arms off. 

Geiger: Oh, you mean this door key. [Geiger hands over the key] 

Clergyman: Do you King Prince Benton... 

Victoria: [annoyed] Wife and man! Say wife and man!! 

Clergyman: Wife and man. 

Victoria: Escort the groom to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly. 

Benny: He didn't come... 

[Charlie, Macon and Ray are in the penthouse. Charlie is holding up Ray. Macon, leading the way, meets with Count Zuko and four of his guards.] 

Count Zuko: Kill the Ex G-man and the boxer but leave the third for questioning. 

[The guards try to rush by Macon, but are no match for his gun. Macon shoots all four. Only Count Zuko remains.] 

Macon: Hello, my name is Macon Lacroix. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Just as Macon and the Count prepare to duel, the Count turns around and runs away. Macon chases after Count Zuko, who locks one of the doors behind him. Macon is not strong enough to break through] 

Macon: Charlie! I need you! 

Charlie: I can't leave him [Ray] alone! 

Macon: He's getting away from me Charlie! Please!! Charlie! 

Charlie: [to Ray] I'll be right back. [Charlie goes and knocks the door down easily] 

Macon: Thank you. 

[Count Zuko eventually runs into a dead end. Macon is still giving chase. 

Narrator: Zuko turns to face Macon, Macon raises his gun takes aim and shoots. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

Zuko expecting to be dead or at least shot is surprised. He looks at Macon he is staring at the gun. Macon: ...sorry Father...I'm so sorry. 

Narrator: Zuko takes a good look at Macon. 

Zuko: [ with an evil smirk] You're the brat whose father I killed years ago. I've heard rumors that you were hunting me only to have failed. How wonderfully cruel. 

Macon: I'm so sorry father. 

Narrator: Zuko begins to laugh. Macon raises his head and looks at Zuko. 

Macon: Father I'm so sorry it could not be your gun. [he pulls another gun from his coat and shoots Zuko in the left leg.] 

Zuko: [on the floor clutching his leg.] Stop this, this is stupid. I''m a powerful man I can give you anything you desire. 

Macon: [shoot the right leg.] Offer me money. 

Zuko: Yes, how much do you want? 

Macon:[shoot the left arm.] Offer me power. 

Zuko: Yes how much will you need? 

Macon:[shoot the right arm.] Offer me everything that I ask for. 

Zuko: Just tell me what you want. 

Macon: I WANT MY FATHER YOU STUPID FUCK! Can you guess where I'm going to shoot next? 

Zuko: My head, right? 

Macon: WRONG! Your heart. My heart stopped beating the day you murdered my father. Today yours will too. 

Narrator: Macon avenged his father. 

[Macon runs off to look for Charlie] 

[In the Honeymoon suite, Benny is preparing to kill himself with a knife. 

Unbeknownst to him, Ray lies on his bed.] 

Ray: There's a shortage of perfect chests in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours. 

Benny: Ray! Oh, Ray darling! [he kisses him all over] Ray, why won't you hold me? 

Ray: Gently... [Ray has almost no strength] 

Benny: At a time like this, that is all you can think to say? Gently. 

Ray: Gently... [Benny accidentally bangs Ray's head on the head-board of the bed] 

Benny: Oh, Ray, will you ever forgive me? 

Ray: What hideous sin have you committed lately? 

Benny: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast. 

Ray: It never happened. 

Benny: What? 

Ray: It never happened. 

Benny: But it did! I was there...this old man said `wife and man`. 

Ray: Did you say I do? 

Benny: Uh...no. We sort of skipped that part. 

Ray: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, your Highness? 

Victoria: A technicality that will shortly be remedied...but first things first.. [She draws her gun] To the death! 

Ray: [slowly sitting up] No! To the pain! 

Victoria: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase? 

Ray: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. You stupid ugly fat cow! 

Victoria: [insulted] That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. 

Ray: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose. 

Victoria: Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. 

Ray: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right! 

Victoria: And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it! Ray: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. 

Victoria: I think you`re bluffing. 

Ray: It's possible, bitch. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all. [Slowly, Ray stands, his gun pointed at Victoria's chest] Drop... your... gun. 

[Victoria throws her gun to the ground] 

Ray: Now have a seat. Tie her up. Make it as tight as you like. 

[Benny ties up Victoria] 

Victoria: Ouch. 

[Just then, Macon comes in] 

Macon: Where's Charlie? 

Ray: I thought he was with you? In that case...[Ray starts to move then almost falls over] 

Macon: [to Benny] Help him. 

Benny: Why does Ray need helping? 

Macon: Because he has no strength. 

Victoria: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [Macon points his gun at him] I knew he was...bluffing. 

Macon: Shall I dispatch him for you? 

Ray: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want her to live a long life, alone with her cowardice. 

Charlie: [from outside the window] Macon! Macon! Where are you? [Macon runs to the window] Oh...there you are. Macon, I saw the Princess's stable, and there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the Mountie. [Benny and Ray run to the window to see Charlie on a horse] Hello Mountie ! ...So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did. 

Macon: Charlie, you did something right. 

Charlie: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. 

[Benny jumps out of the window and is caught by Charlie] 

Macon: You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. 

Ray: Have you ever considered being in the Mafia? You'd make a wonderful Dread Godfather Bolt. [Both leave] 

Narrator: They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Ray and Benny knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other... 

Kid: What?! What?! 

Uncle: Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that. Kid: Well...I don't mind so much. 

Uncle: Okay. 

Narrator: Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses, their first one being top first in the top five, rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. 

**THE END.**

Uncle: Now, I think you ought to go to sleep. 

Kid: Okay... 

Uncle: [searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing] Okay... 

okay... okay...alright...Arrevaderci 

Kid: Unc. Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow. 

Uncle: As you wish. 

rojas1143@aol.com 

* * *

End The Mountie Groom by CoolGrin:

Author and story notes above.


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